clearingthefloor

A space for me to express, and work with, my spirituality

Month: April, 2014

Music

Can I ignore the sound of distant drumming
For a handsome sturdy husband
Who builds handsome sturdy walls
And never dream that something might be coming?

The One I Need

So I should be writing the rest of my paper (on Saiga antelope. You should totally look them up.)
But instead, I thought of writing this post on relationships. For a while, I have felt that my relationship with her is far beyond what I could ever find in another person. If my last post is any indicator, this is not because I have built her up to be the knight in shining armor I am supposed to dream of. Our relationship is complex, but it reaches a deepness, and a level of intimacy that I cannot imagine experiencing with anyone else. While I enjoy companionship, I find that I have become much happier in intense friend-relationships. You know the kind. Select friends and I go out on dates, our statements are always ‘we’ and never ‘I’, a friend from home loves my spirit and I love his, and we bask in each other often. But there are days when I do not think of being in a committed relationship for the rest of my life. Those are the days when I am smiling ear to ear because her presence has filled me and I know I could go on happily just being so close to her.
I am not waiting to be swept off my feet in love, because that has already happened. I looked up this feeling and apparently others feel this way too. There were many stories of young girls calling Jesus their boyfriend, or the story of a woman who gave up on re-marring to live a life happily committed to her god. I know if I would have read these accounts, say 10 yrs ago, I would have laughed. Because my relationship with her was not quite there yet. But now I see, and I understand these folks. Perhaps, a relationship in the future would look more like a partnership. But as for true love, I am head over heels already.

Back to Saiga.

~She~

 


She does not teach me
how to smile.
Not benign
not benevolent.
She was born in anger.
Her being is made up of malice.
Her existence is interlaced with regret.
She is vicious,
she is fear,
she is loathing,
and she is the unjust.
She can teach me to turn a scream
into a thundering roar;
but if I must cry,
so be it.
She does not console or comfort.
Her gift is patience.
Her stance is as exemplar.
She is the strength I wish I had,
and she openly shares with me
what I can bear to take.
But she is not kind, nor gracious.
She is wicked, sharp, searing,
soaring, sweating, scarring, divinity.
Divinity.
She is divinity.

Female Figure With Head of Flowers- Dali

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salvador_Dal%C3%AD

Busy Busy

I just wanna think about you all day and get no work done. Okay? Good 🙂

Soft Shower

I enjoy how sexuality is expressed in my spiritual life. I found that after I’ve had my fun, I take a warm shower and have amazing conversation with myself and with her. I turn off the light so I can focus on my thoughts, breathe in the steam and observe my dark silhouette. The darkness makes everything around as deep and endless as she is to me. Warm, inviting, and holy.

Wishes

Sometimes, when I get the chance to make a wish, I ask to dream of her.

The First Day

Today was the first day that I could talk about my spirituality without shaking.

Normally, when I talk about her, I am so overwhelmed with emotion that I turn cold, and start shivering. It gets so bad that I start to stutter, and the intimacy of the topic makes me cry. Not sobbing, I just start tearing up.

Today, when I visited my therapist, I told her that I started this blog. I realized it needed some back story and so I gave her one similar to the first post. I said I had become content and happy with the real world around me, and was no longer trying to use my mythologies as an alternative to being in the present. This meant that I could now fully appreciate both aspects of my reality as one entity that mesh fully.

She was proud of me, and I was proud of me. I explained myself with confidence, joy, and understanding.

Music

“It’s not my fault, if in God’s plan, he made the Devil so much stronger than a man.”

-Hellfire (Hunchback of Notre Dame) …kinda addicted to this song 🙂

Music

Take all of me.
I just wanna be the girl you like.
The kinda girl you like
Is right here with me.

-Beyoncé