I enjoy how sexuality is expressed in my spiritual life. I found that after I’ve had my fun, I take a warm shower and have amazing conversation with myself and with her. I turn off the light so I can focus on my thoughts, breathe in the steam and observe my dark silhouette. The darkness makes everything around as deep and endless as she is to me. Warm, inviting, and holy.
Sometimes, when I get the chance to make a wish, I ask to dream of her.
❤
Today was the first day that I could talk about my spirituality without shaking.
Normally, when I talk about her, I am so overwhelmed with emotion that I turn cold, and start shivering. It gets so bad that I start to stutter, and the intimacy of the topic makes me cry. Not sobbing, I just start tearing up.
Today, when I visited my therapist, I told her that I started this blog. I realized it needed some back story and so I gave her one similar to the first post. I said I had become content and happy with the real world around me, and was no longer trying to use my mythologies as an alternative to being in the present. This meant that I could now fully appreciate both aspects of my reality as one entity that mesh fully.
She was proud of me, and I was proud of me. I explained myself with confidence, joy, and understanding.
“It’s not my fault, if in God’s plan, he made the Devil so much stronger than a man.”
-Hellfire (Hunchback of Notre Dame) …kinda addicted to this song 🙂
Take all of me.
I just wanna be the girl you like.
The kinda girl you like
Is right here with me.
-Beyoncé
So, this happened a while back, but since this is a new blog, I’d like to have it here.
I had, for a while, been feeling the need to do three things: pray/meditate, pray/meditate for a whole day, and fast. Each came over a period of time. The praying was shortly after my first dog had to be put down and the second one was going in to be checked for cancer. I am extremely attached to my pets and so the heartbreak of losing my old girl and the stress of a potential cancer diagnosis was really wearing me down. If the cancer turned out to be a low grade, she would be fine. It was constantly on my mind. She is my mother’s favorite and is very close to my brother. How would they handle it? Coupled with school work, I was a mess.
I kept getting this pull. Like when a friend says, “I’m here to talk.” and you debate whether you really want to open up. You know you need to. But do you have time? Do they have time?
Finally, I gave in. My roommate was out and I sat up in my bed, meditated and went to speak to/with/at her. I was so comforted by this, that I mostly cried. Her presence is truly spectacular to me.
I felt fantastic and revitalized afterward! The results for the biopsy came back, and it was a low grade cancer. My family was so relieved and we were all able to breathe again.
It is interesting to me, how I forget my limitations when I am thinking of her.
I felt the same tug to go and meditate with her, but for an entire day. I mentally thought of what food to bring, how I would bring a sketch pad to practice drawing, and how I would bring a blanket to keep dirt off of my jeans.
Except, I was forgetting that it was actually the middle of a freezing winter. I would be so prepared each weekend to go and sit by the lake and then be hit with a 13 degree gust of wind. Needless to say, I’ve put a raincheck on that particular experience.
Then there was fasting.
I was raised catholic and fasting is certainly a term I have been exposed to, but never anything my family or I practiced. I often cheated on Good Friday and had a hard enough time abstaining from food before some doctors appointments. So when I felt that same pull, urging me to fast, I was very confused. It was a strange feeling. How one might think of going out for a walk on a warm day. That sense of ‘Yes! I totally want to make time to do that!’. Except this was not eating for an entire day. Excuse me?
I woke up on a Saturday and new that it was the right time. I watched the sun coming through my window and asked her, “For how long?” The answer was immediate. This would be a sun up-to-sun up deal. I attempted to negotiate. Get a little dinner in there. But no go.
I go to a lovely University that gives me some money to expressly spend on snacks. With this, I took the fancy route and purchased a tall bottle of Evian water which would be my only sustenance. I spent the day painting and then resting.
The most interesting observation I took from this, was that I was not hungry. No, I actually did not get hungry until midnight. And probably only because I saw someone eating. For the most part, I was simply impatient to eat. I just wanted to eat food for the habit of doing so. It is social as much as it is beneficial nutritionally.
I finished the fast and enjoyed a nice fluffy waffle on sunday morning. 🙂
Fasting solidified something in me as well. Often, I sense that my practices may not be seen as legitimate. My absolute love in this relationship between me and my deity is questioned because she has no books, no statues. But I went without, and I did it because I felt she preferred I do so. To put my body through stress, highlighted my dedication. And I am very pleased with, and proud of, myself!
So tell me, Maria, why I see her dancing there? Why her smoldering eyes still scorch my soul?
-Hellfire (Hunchback of Notre Dame)
I make this step with caution. It is not the first time I have tried this, but I did promise never to do so again. Have you ever heard the line, “The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club.”? It is a pretty similar situation for me.
As a child, I created a world within myself. I fell in love with that place, and have never left it behind. I made art, wrote stories, told stories, and even had others who were interested in these. But, my younger self wanted an escape; my writings and drawings only served as a torment. A solid, not nearly good enough, replication of something intangible. I was obsessed, depressed, and overall unhappy. So I threw away all of my writings, ripped up all of my drawings, stopped talking about it and swore to never repeat my actions.
In doing that, I created a bond that went beyond aesthetic. Here, I will not be sharing any of my creed, mythology, or guidelines. However, there are very real feelings of fear, passion, tenderness, forgiveness, and discovery in that place. These are what I wish to share, and I hope to make this a place where I can enjoy, and explore the hard work I’ve put into this inner relationship.
