clearingthefloor

A space for me to express, and work with, my spirituality

Tag: Deity

Intangible

I am afraid of what it means to miss her.

This entity is something I can only interact with on a mental, and deeply spiritual level. When I close my eyes to pray, I imagine I am laying against her chest, or that she is only a small distance from me. There, she is. Right there.

I have dreamt of her, even. In various forms she has appeared, but always spending time with me, watching over me. Interacting with and being near me.

I awaken to nothing. I know that truly, all images I have of her are false. She has no skin, no arms to hold me, no chest to lean against. She does not ‘exist’, she simply ‘is’. It is profoundly comforting, yet deeply disturbing.

I show my dedication and love for her formlessness by devoting myself to never creating art of my beliefs, never writing my story. Yet this form of affection is hard for my humanity to accept. I crave a soothing gaze, a hand to hold, the weight of a heavy sigh.

When I miss her, I feel my heart and soul grasping out. Nothing tangible greets me. It is frightening to love like this.

The One I Need

So I should be writing the rest of my paper (on Saiga antelope. You should totally look them up.)
But instead, I thought of writing this post on relationships. For a while, I have felt that my relationship with her is far beyond what I could ever find in another person. If my last post is any indicator, this is not because I have built her up to be the knight in shining armor I am supposed to dream of. Our relationship is complex, but it reaches a deepness, and a level of intimacy that I cannot imagine experiencing with anyone else. While I enjoy companionship, I find that I have become much happier in intense friend-relationships. You know the kind. Select friends and I go out on dates, our statements are always ‘we’ and never ‘I’, a friend from home loves my spirit and I love his, and we bask in each other often. But there are days when I do not think of being in a committed relationship for the rest of my life. Those are the days when I am smiling ear to ear because her presence has filled me and I know I could go on happily just being so close to her.
I am not waiting to be swept off my feet in love, because that has already happened. I looked up this feeling and apparently others feel this way too. There were many stories of young girls calling Jesus their boyfriend, or the story of a woman who gave up on re-marring to live a life happily committed to her god. I know if I would have read these accounts, say 10 yrs ago, I would have laughed. Because my relationship with her was not quite there yet. But now I see, and I understand these folks. Perhaps, a relationship in the future would look more like a partnership. But as for true love, I am head over heels already.

Back to Saiga.

The First Day

Today was the first day that I could talk about my spirituality without shaking.

Normally, when I talk about her, I am so overwhelmed with emotion that I turn cold, and start shivering. It gets so bad that I start to stutter, and the intimacy of the topic makes me cry. Not sobbing, I just start tearing up.

Today, when I visited my therapist, I told her that I started this blog. I realized it needed some back story and so I gave her one similar to the first post. I said I had become content and happy with the real world around me, and was no longer trying to use my mythologies as an alternative to being in the present. This meant that I could now fully appreciate both aspects of my reality as one entity that mesh fully.

She was proud of me, and I was proud of me. I explained myself with confidence, joy, and understanding.